Mike, the other male nurse in my department, is a very generous and thoughtful guy...with a warped sense of humor. Every Halloween season, he brings in the ugliest pumpkins he can find. This year is no exception. The strange orange pumpkin he brought in this season has a broken stem.
But it is the other end of the pumpkin that has made it so scandalous and shocking. The other day I was looking at it and noticed its hind end. To me, it looked like a giant anus. In fact, I was so aghast by its obvious anatomy, that I posted photos about it on the department's Facebook page thing. People were not amused...
Understandably. It is rather puckered and nasty looking.
In fact, once the anal image was in their minds, some went out of their way to hide the hind end from the public by pushing it close to the other pumpkin (a stunning, warty green thing), before eventually just turning the pumpkin's po-po hind in towards the nurses' station, where the public wouldn't see it.
The next morning I came in and discovered that one of the night crew had (gasp!) taped a peek-a-boo Post-It note on the pumpkin's private parts! Oh my!
Peek-a-BOO!
Horror At The Recycling Center:
The other day, I posted about being BROKE. I was not kidding. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. Since I had today off, I decided to cash in my bottles, cans and plastic items at the local recycling center. I hoped to score at least enough money for a haircut. (REALLY!)
There were several people ahead of me, but that was okay. I wasn't in too big of a hurry.
I had four barrels of recyclables; two with plastic items, one of aluminum cans, another of a different (heavier) type of cans, and a few bottles in a box.
Of course, when it was my turn, the crew had disappeared. Some little old man came up to them, crowding ahead of the line, and said something to the one taking in the recyclables, who said something to the cashier...and then they both just left without a word. Swell. Eventually, the cashier came back and acted in both roles--and I scored $19.28, which was more than enough for a haircut and tip. Yippie!
There is no shame in recycling and I realize, of course, that recycling places are not the most glamorous places on the planet. However, as dirty and somewhat trashy as they may sometimes seem, I was not prepared for the horror I was about to encounter as I made my way back to the car...
Oh my lord, what the hell was that woman thinking wearing THAT...in PUBLIC! It looks as if her pants are too small and she can't get them all of the way up to her waist...but she decided to wear them anyway. EEEW! (Yes, that IS butt crack peeking out.)
EEEK!
O' my stars! You just can NOT un-see things. I may need therapy after this...
Buying Crap ---Literally:
A while back, I shared a tale of a day when my car died and a co-worker was in the process of having a baby. In that story, I had purchased a cheap-o-rama shopping bag with a smiling pile o' poo on it from the 99 Cent Store for Mike. (He is the one who brought the pumpkins to work, as mentioned above.) Melaney, our co-worker, was the one having the baby and she thought Mike needed that bag. I got it and gave it to him. But when Mike left it behind, I ended up giving it to someone else. So today, I trudged back to the 99 Cent Store to get a replacement and... Well, here is the blow-by-blow shopping experience as told via text messages between Melaney ("Mel") and myself:
ME: So I have returned to the 99 Cent Store to get a replacement poo 💩 bag for Mike, since I gave the other bag to a cancer patient. They seem to be out of the 💩 bags (Amazing!), but do you think he' d settle for a 💩 piñata?
MEL: Yes!!! And fill it with Tootsie Rolls!!!
ME: How about a mini- 💩 pail?
MEL: So many poo options!!
ME: And all for only a dollar. Wow. I can honestly say I blew my money on a bunch of crap.
MEL: Yes! Fill that piñata with poop candy!
I had added the piñata to my cart, along with several other items (so much for my recycling money. Ha!). I had picked up some frames and a few other tidbits and then I noticed this sign near the Tootsie Rolls on the candy aisle:
$1.99? In the 99 Cent Store? How could that be? I came across a sales clerk stocking items in the Halloween section and asked her. Yep, in addition to 99 cent items, there are also $1.99 items and up. Jeepers!
ME: Since when did the 99 Cent Store raise its prices but not its name? The piñatas are not 99 cents, but $3.99. Oh well. Still worth it, I guess.
I trudged on, realizing that instead of $5 or $10, I was probably going to be spending a lot, LOT more than I planned on. And, hello? I'm broke. That's the reason the 99 Cent Store is even on my radar, Geez. Not cool. But I kept shopping and looking for crap...
ME: Speaker pillow (!?!) for $2.99. There's only one. I guess it plugs into your phone so you can blast some crappy music?
MEL: Man, you're finding all kinds of poop treasures!! 💩
ME: I'm a crap magnet.
ME: A key chain? Notice the stylish bonus fly in its, uh... hair.... Stunning! And it has feet (arms?).
MEL: The fly is funny!
I never did find a replacement poo bag---and I looked through every shopping bag I could find in the place. I bought my meager purchases ($56.65. SH*T!) and headed home.
ME: I left the key chain with the fly on it, but I got everything else. I think Mike is working tomorrow. I'll deliver it then. Cheers.
MEL: Good job! The piñata is awesome!! Again, so nice of you to make work fun!
ME: I may give the speaker Poo to my nephew, because he is a little turd.
MEL: Perfect!
ME: I was just thinking about the Tootsie Rolls... if I add them to the piñata, Mike will have to beat the 💩 out of the 💩 (piñata) to get them. Isn't that kind of redundant?
MEL: That's what's so great about it! I want to come and join the 💩party!
I worked with Mike a few days later. I gave him his piñata. I'd also gotten one for Mandy, a co-worker who has put together our department auction basket (we raise money for a scholarship fund every year) since I've been there. Last year's basket contained a "Squatty Potty"...so she really deserves some 💩 for that. Ha! Here they are after unwrapping their gifts.
I shared the photos with Melaney, of course. She said...
MEL: Wish I was there with you guys. I love the picture of Mike and Mandy with them over their faces.
It was anything but another crappy day at work.
CHEERS!
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